Today I woke up, feeling a bit emotional. I went to bed late yesterday, but felt good at that time. Somehow something shifted over night and things seem to touch me deeply today.
I had a short but difficult conversation with my son and after it I felt depleted and very emotional up to the point I could cry. I have learned to accept over the past years it is ok, to not be ok. Before that I would have always blocked these feelings, scrambled and continued.
I remember a quote “Just because I am smiling, doesn’t mean I am not struggling. Maybe I am just good at hiding behind a smile”. And this is exactly how I would cope with my struggles, keep up my happy face, and try to smile my way through it. Allowing no one to really get close to me or support me.
But now I take these feelings as a signal. Even though I don’t understand why or what is happening, I give myself permission to feel it. Not to dwell in it, but to acknowledge it and then release. I am grateful I can access my feelings like this, as I had blocked them in the past. It served me then in my decision to hide who I was.
Although I had to do work this morning, I have taken a moment out of my agenda for me. I placed an instant meeting in my agenda, and set all social and communication means to silent. I went to my room, and made sure to ground myself, and then did a body scan meditation. I have grown more spiritual the last years, and meditation and visualisation help me to acknowledge and release what is blocking me.
I guess what I want to say here, is be kind to yourself. If things get overwhelming, if you feel stressed, or things are unclear, give yourself permission and time for you. Find a way to release it. Don’t deny or keep piling up these feelings, locking them inside, as they will need to come out sometime anyway.
If you don’t know how to, seek out a person, a life coach, a therapist, someone who can help and support you to discover ways to align your mind, heart and soul. Allow yourself. You are worth it.
If you are in search of a professional and haven’t been able to find one I can recommend John Patching (https://transgendertherapy.co.uk). He understands the transgender journey, as he transitioned himself many years ago. In his practice he looks at your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual needs.