Caught

Before I used to go out en femme, I sometimes dressed up at home. These moments were limited and often I only tried on a dress at night, if my wife was working her night shift. Or at day time if I knew everybody was away. But sometimes things don’t exactly go as you had wished for.

Two years ago at a particular night. I think it was about 3am, my wife was out working and the kids were well asleep. Instead of only trying on a dress, the pull toward Liv was so strong I had to do full makeup as well. I locked the bathroom door and applied makeup and felt amazing. A bit nervous, but as the door was locked I could go and have some me time.

When I was ready, I realized I had left my phone at the second floor. Our bathroom is at the first floor. The bedrooms for the kids are on the first and second floor. I did want to take some pictures and listened carefully if I heard no sounds from the kids. When I felt safe I unlocked the bathroom door and moved my stuff to our bedroom, to not leave traces in the bathroom. Then I went up to the second floor, and was happy that everything was still quiet in the house. I left the door at the second floor open so I could hear if anyone would be awake. But all was quiet.

So I started to look for my phone and while I was searching, I heard one of the boys bedroom doors open. My heart stopped. I sat down silently, listening carefully to what was happening. Most of the time when the kids go the bathroom at night, it is a quick stop and they go back to their room directly. But not this time…

I heard my son wash his hands, but instead of going to his room, he came up the stairs. Based on the way he walked I knew it was my oldest son, then 18. I rushed to the door to close it, but he had already got a glimpse of me, and he was assertive, telling me to open the door. I tried to explain him it was me but my words did not calm him down. Instead he told me to open the door immediately otherwise he would call the police. Feeling really horrible, as I would have to show myself without proper introduction of Liv, I opened the door. I told him it was me, and I saw him calm a bit. He was definitely in an adrenaline rush, but sat down with me. I felt like a small kid being caught doing something wrong. I felt silly I had not been able to stop the urge to dress up.

I explained him about Liv and myself. And after my story, he told me how he didn’t understand why I need this, but that I should do whatever makes me feel good. He then stood up to hug me and told me he loved me no matter what. It was amazing and heartwarming and one of the purest and dearest moments I have ever had with him. I felt so relieved, loved and proud. Relieved and loved that he accepted me, Liv, and proud of that he was taking care of us, in a situation he felt was dangerous.

He told me later, that he had seen someone on the second floor, but had not recognized me. As such he was really confused and felt he needed to be act to keep us all safe. He would have called the police if I had decided not to show myself.

I can’t really say this rollercoaster of emotions is a great way of coming out to one of your kids. I feel blessed and am so glad it turned out this way, but since then I never have dressed at home. Our other children should learn from me in a conversation. I want to empower them to decide if and how they want to see or meet Liv, as it is an impactful moment in their life. But things don’t always go as you think.. I will tell you about that another time.

hugs,

3 thoughts on “Caught

  1. This is the second time I “heard” this story. The first time you told me over coffee. It made me cry for all the tension you went through, so very, very recognisable.

    Hang on in there girl, you are going to be alright.

    Like

    1. 🙏🏻 with friends like you I know I will be alright!
      Looking back I am happy about the moment, as it forced me to take steps I should have taken earlier. I always overthink and block myself from moving forward.
      Thank you for being here and showing the way! You are a beautiful woman Anne, on the in and outside!

      Like

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