Breaking my inner walls

In order to not expose I am feminine, I have build all kinds of mechanisms since my early childhood. Mostly I kept all my feelings and emotions far away from others.

I remember, at the age of 7, I loved playing with dolls, dressing them, combing their hair, yet I never asked for or bought dolls for myself. Instead I waited until we would visit my niece and nephew. When opportunity was there I would go to my niece her room and play with her dolls. That always was wonderful. And although I was only 7, I somehow decided at that time, this interest was not normal for a boy. So I decided to keep my feelings a secret and that no one would ever find out about it. I would always bring some toy cars, such that I could switch whenever someone would enter her room.

As I grew older, my interest in the feminine grew, and I started hiding my feelings even more. Afraid to talk about it, and sometimes confused about it myself, I built a wall around my feelings. Locking those feelings and emotions away. At the same time I became very good at validating how people liked me and made sure to stick to boyish things when I was with others.

In a way I trained and taught myself to avoid showing my emotions and feelings whcih I felt could give away clues about me and I kept away from topics that could trigger others to see a glimpse of the girl within. Every word I wrote, every reaction I gavr was weighed, to ensure it would fit in as a boy or man. People have always found me to be a very stable person, as my emotions have been always very controlled.

Although I thoroughly enjoy life, I have always felt it was slipping through my hands. As if it didnt stick. Like when you are sitting on the train, comfortably seated at the window, watching the landscape glide past you. You can admire the beauty, but it never truly really sticks as the glass separates you. Eventually you will reach the station, aware that you didn’t really get to live all the moments in between.

I have been successful hiding I am transgender, as no one ever discovered, until I came out. But at the same time the wall I build didn’t let me reach my feelings for myself either. It took me more than 45 years to accept I am transgender, while I basically felt I was different at the age of 7. When people would ask what I felt, I would give a rational answer. In hiding my truth, I think I became good at pleasing people, forgetting about myself.

Breaking this inner wall, I had created over time, has proven hard and difficult. But I wanted it as I knew I was holding back and felt I didn’t live life to the fullest. The first cracks occurred when I was attending a personal development training. I was around 2010 and I was looking to start my own business. In order to make that decision I decided to find a coach who could help me reflect. When I reached out to him, he offered me to join a group of people, where another coach would be involved as well. As this was a personal journey I pushed to get a one-on-one, but he insisted. He asked me whether I trusted him, which I did, and then said he felt a group would help me best. So I ended up in the group.

As it was a personal development training, it would mean I would have to disclose some of myself. And I really was nervous to go there. The other coach was a woman.l, who is now one of my best friends. The first time I met her she immediately made a deep impression on me. She was kind, compassionate, yet very clear and direct. In order to protect myself I told her during lunch I couldn’t really get to my feelings, as if to prepare her that I wouldn’t be able to disclose stuff. I remember pointing at my stomach telling her it was blocked. She looked at me and convincingly told me she had felt a lot of energy the minute I had arrived and she knew for sure I could feel a lot. This somehow resonated deeply and then she told me to look up chakra 3, the solar plexus.

Remember I was in the process of making a career decision. Later that night when I looked up solar plexus, which is about willpower, personal power and commitment. When its is blocked it is difficult to make decisions. My body was signaling me I had to do something before making the decision. This altered my view on if I could feel. I had become so good at blocking my feelings, that I had started to believe I could not feel. I had held back myself, out of fear that others would see my truth. She had reframed my believe and helped me to start breaking through my inner wall.

Allowing my emotions and feelings, helps me feel more alive. This might aound obvious, but if you have spend mlst of your life denying it, you almost have to relearn. Listening to what I feel, what I need and caring for myself is not easy, but has helped me to get to my truth. I have always cared a lot about others, but I know now, that if I don’t care for me, there is not a lot to give to them.

If you recognize this inner wall, the hiding, the blocking, I wish you to find a way and start tearing that wall down. In the end it doesn’t serve you, as you seperate from yourself and keep up an act towards others. Find people that can help you or with whom you can share your story, your feelings. You are worth it.

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