When I first met her

My life has changed dramatically the past years, and it all started January 4th, 2017. I will never forget, because that day I set out to meet a special woman. She had been around all of my life, but I had never actually met her. This might seem strange, but I hope things make sense in a minute. I remember how nervous I was about meeting her, but that moment has been a life changing event. 

I remember sitting in a chair opposite of her. For the first moments there was no need to say anything. Instead I just looked at her, following her moves, taken by her looks. She seemed very comfortable, relaxed and smiled. Her moves were gentle and natural. Her hair, her makeup, all was so perfect. Time seemed to slow down, my vision narrowed and for a moment it was as if she was the only one earth. I must have sat there for minutes, looking in a mirror. This mirror in front of me reflecting the woman I knew so well, but whom I had never seen. 

Seeing myself in a beautiful dress, with makeup and beautiful hair, seeing myself as a woman was amazing and it put an end to all doubt of what I had felt all my life. Until then I had always presented as male and I had tried to deny my inner feelings. I had told myself I was crazy and that it was wrong to wanting to experience life as a woman. I had tried on dresses on many occassions, but always for a very short time and in deep secrecy, as I didnt want anyone to know about this side of me. For that reason I had never tried makeup. Clothes could be removed and hidden fast, but it would have been difficult to quickly remove makeup in case someone would arrive home unexpectedly. I didn’t want to get caught by anyone. Everytime after trying dresses, I had been confused and ashamed.

But this time, when I met Liv, I met my true self and everything fell into place. It was instant recognition, and I felt comfortable and the image I saw finally reflected how I had always felt on the inside. In order to meet Liv, I had arranged a makeover, as I could no longer deny my feelings after 45 years. It is near impossible to explain to people who’s body fits their identity as they will never experience the feeling things are off. The best analogy I have heard is to compare it to left handed people who just know, but can‘t explain why.

Until I met Liv I had been trying to act as a man, frantically avoiding anything that would give away my inner feelings. I tried to make the most out of my life, yet always with a feeling things were off. Although I still present as male most of the time, I know now I was born in the wrong body. Getting a makeover has been the best thing I have ever done, and I will tell about it another time. Meeting Liv, hasn’t made my life easier, but it started a deeper soul search and inner connection. A mental, spiritual and even physical journey, in which I feel more alive than ever, even if there are big highs and lows. This journey of understanding myself, has brought me some very special moments in my life. 

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